Is the world slowing down?

Is the world slowing down?

Lately I've been coincidentally running into many people from my history... People I hadn't seen in years or even decades - who have given up the fast-paced-ego-driven-pocket-filling lives, for something else.

One, an ex-renown photographer has become a full time volunteer, working with disabled children. He seems more at peace than he ever was.

Another, my ex-boss and a role model for female ambition, up until recently a CEO in a software startup, is learning patisserie and excitedly talking about powdered sugar. (She looks like a million dollars, too).

Another yet has decided to take a few years break in his career and is studying film and art, as well as alternative medicine. He lost a lot of weight.

They all look rested. happy. blissful.

Part on me envies them, and another pities them.

Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Overexposure

Spelled-out
both pain and joy
plainly read
fully digested
for the world to
effortlessly
gulp.

I always forget to
leave something
virgin
between the lines
for me.

I know it's practically November, but winter (real, rainy, windy winter) still came a bit too soon for me.

My baby's sick... again! Opthalmia + fever... not a great way to start my rainy weekend. Will just have to fill it with cuddling and hugs.

Mother's first day in kindergarten.

I didn't expect it to be this difficult.

Sure - I was prepared, mentally, for him to cry when we left.
I was prepared to be nervous, to worry a little about how he would be doing.

But I didn't expect this:

Standing outside the wall of the kindergarten - hearing his distinct crying - screaming for me. And waiting. Waiting for him to calm down and my heart breaking as the seconds still slowly tick by and his cry becomes even louder.

Remembering they said that they all cry at first, for a few minutes - that they could even cry for 5-10 minutes, and counting the minutes as they tick by....
It's already been 10 minutes and he is still crying. 14 minutes and he is still crying.

I stand on my tip toes and try, really hard, to peer through the crack in the window - and I see him. Miserable, crying, one of the nannies holding him and trying to get him to calm down... and I feel like screaming: "That's not how! That's not how he likes to be calmed down...! Give him his blankie! Put on some music!"... And I feel like breaking the door down and running in to grab him, to let him know that it's all ok and that mommy is still here and will always be here.

But I don't.
I just stand there, the tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks, cringing with every scream of his, shaking as he cries, and telling myself:
"It's normal. It's ok. It will pass. It's only for one hour today".

And then I start berating myself:
I didn't prepare him well enough.
I didn't say goodbye when I left them room - I just disappeared.
I didn't explain to him that I'm coming back soon.
I didn't tell the nannies what he likes.
I didn't give him enough breakfast before we left today.
I didn't show him where they put his bottle of water.

I should go in. Now.

And just as I am mustering my courage to be that mom I always hated that over-worries and nags the teacher, just as I made the final decision to ring the doorbell and go back in, I hear... silence.
I stretch on tiptoes as high as I can and peer in and I see him... not crying. Holding his blankie and playing with a toy on the floor.

And I take in a deep, shaky breath, and let it slowly out, and wipe the tears from my face (although they are still streaming) and I slowly, insecurely walk towards the gate , leaving my Daniel alone, in kindergarten, for the very first time.

Birthday Post

I always use birthdays to ponder on the past year and make wishes for the upcoming one. As a child, I used to do it in frilly-pink-"secret"-diaries. Today, I do it here, on my would-be-frilly-pink-if-I-had-the-time-to-find-the-right-background-and-definitely-not-secret diary.

I'm 32 years old today. Do I feel 32? I don't know. How is 32 supposed to feel? Some days I feel much older than my years, other days I can't believe I'm past 20. But I am 32 and it's a fact.

If I had to summarize the past year in a single word - it would be, undoubtedly, the word: growth.

This was the year I had made some of the biggest mistakes of my life, but it's also the year I admitted them, and (for the most part) repented them. It's the year I started paying for some of those mistakes.

This was the year my priorities suddenly and startlingly changed, and the year when I woke up one morning knowing life will never be the same.

It's been a year of some difficult "lows":

• Nearly losing my leg after a bad herniated disc, suffering unbearable pain, and arduously working my way back to a functional person
• Saying some of the most painful things to some of the dearest people in my life
• Spending long sleepless nights with my son when he had high fever, painful ear infections, uncontrollable coughs
• Making a drunken spectacle of my self in Las Vegas and nearly losing my self-respect

But more importantly, it's been a year of incredible "highs":

• Discovering my inner-strength, my core beliefs and my true loves.
• Learning not to take my family, my husband, my health or my happiness for granted.
• Watching my son turn from baby to toddler and learning, through him, about what matters
• Teaching my body to walk when so many people said I couldn't
• Daring to admit my mistakes, daring to pay their price, and starting to let go of them
• Achieving important career goals - like producing the HP Software Universe Event while in bed/wheelchair...

It's been a roller coaster year. And (even though I believe I may say this every year) - this year had the highest peaks and scariest valleys, I wouldn't take anything back: because when I look in the mirror today, for what may be the first honest time in my life, I actually like who I see - who I've become.

---

My wishes for my 33rd year:

• First and foremost I wish for health: for those I love, and for those who love me. And for myself.
• I wish for balance. In every aspect of my life - inner balance, matrimonial balance, work-life balance.
• I wish for tranquility without relinquishing challenges, and for calm islands in an ocean of raging fun.
• I wish for every day to be interesting and every night to be comforting.
• I wish to make a difference for the better in people's lives.
  and last but not least -
• I wish for my next birthday to be celebrated watching a live interview with Gilad Shalit on his 24th birthday speaking of his years in captivity and his wonderful recovery after having returned home.

I'm 32 years old today. Happy Birthday to me.

Mother of a two year old

**Beware - below is a sappy post. If you are adverse to sentimentalism - do not continue reading**

Tomorrow, I will have been a mother for two years: My baby boy is celebrating his second birthday. Everything I will write about motherhood in this post, has been written before. In fact, it has been written so many times it is practically cliche. And nevertheless, it still amazes me that it applies... to me.

Motherhood changes you. Everyone told me I'd change once I have a child, and my response was always that my priorities may change, but my inherent character would remain the same. I was wrong.

Two years later I am definitely not the same girl/woman I was before. It's not just my priorities that have changed -

• It's my ability to love. My son, of course, but not just him. My love for my son has in many ways opened and deepened my heart in general, towards so many other people in my life.
• It's the way I judge other people - the qualities I can now see in them that I never saw before. Qualities like patience, nurturing tendencies, pedagogy skills. Before all I saw and all I appreciated was business skills.
• It's my capability to sacrifice myself - my health, my career, even my marriage if that's what it took - for someone else. That is something I never would have believed possible

And in what could appear contradictory to the latter:

• It's my ability to put myself first. Understanding that someone in this world completely depends on me has given me the strength to take care of "me" without the guilt I would have suffered before.

Because "me" is not just "me" anymore. It's also "mom". A mother of a two year old.

A healthy, smart, wonderful, two year old that has turned my entire world upside down, for better and for worse.

This has been the year that my baby boy took his first step, said his first word, sang his first song, danced his first dance, rode his first "baby car", gave me the first intentional hug and kiss, threw his first tantrum...
I wonder what the next year holds.

Happy Birthday, my beloved Daniel.