Restless musings

I didn't fall asleep until after 2 AM last night, and woke up at 5:15 today. I haven't been this restless in a long time. Whether the nagging pain in my hip is to blame, or the endless task list I have now, or the words that were spoken to me yesterday - I am not sure... but here I am - wide awake and typing, when I should be getting my much needed sleep.

It's been ages since I have blogged at sun-dawn. There's something inexplicably inspiring about the sounds of the world waking up - the bed creaking as my husband turns over in bed, the sound of the clock ticking loudly in the silence of our home, the mumblings of our baby boy in his sleep.... it all makes me want to write - even if I don't know exactly what it is I have to say.

Last night I had a heart-to-heart chat with a friend. He described me as trying to climb up a hill with a bagful of stones holding me back - always in "battle" mode. When I insisted on focusing on the victory of being able to climb - even if slowly - despite those so-called stones, he pointed out I could just as well just let go of the bag and get to the peak I am seeking much faster.

I know, perhaps the allegory is too vague for this blog without further explanation - which I am not ready to give just now - but for me, it was perfect. And maybe that's why I can't sleep.

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In other news, I am "officially" OK now - I've received the green light from the doc not to have the surgery on my spine. I am not completely out of the woods - I can't go back to gym or start dancing (yet!) for a couple of months, but it looks like the belief in my body's ability to heal itself paid off.

Now if only everything else in my life would do the same, I'd be well on my way to the peak.

On exhaustion and inspiration

It's exhausting - staying optimistic. It's exhausting to keep telling everyone that I'm not worried, that I'll be all right, that I'll get over it. Exhausting to keep smiling - even when I'm not in the mood - just to prove to everyone that I'm not torn by the situation.
Not that I'm lying - I truly am optimistic, and I'm not half as worried as I was when it began, and I am really, honestly not torn (at least not anymore).
But having to prove it to everyone, over and over again, is just ... well, exhausting.

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A dear friend I met last week called me "inspiring". I was flattered and filled with pride when he used that word. I never meant to be inspiring to anyone, just to be open and real.

So maybe, having to smile over and over again and tell everyone how I'm not worried, is worth it despite the exhaustion - because it makes me "inspiring" to someone.