Mother's first day in kindergarten.

I didn't expect it to be this difficult.

Sure - I was prepared, mentally, for him to cry when we left.
I was prepared to be nervous, to worry a little about how he would be doing.

But I didn't expect this:

Standing outside the wall of the kindergarten - hearing his distinct crying - screaming for me. And waiting. Waiting for him to calm down and my heart breaking as the seconds still slowly tick by and his cry becomes even louder.

Remembering they said that they all cry at first, for a few minutes - that they could even cry for 5-10 minutes, and counting the minutes as they tick by....
It's already been 10 minutes and he is still crying. 14 minutes and he is still crying.

I stand on my tip toes and try, really hard, to peer through the crack in the window - and I see him. Miserable, crying, one of the nannies holding him and trying to get him to calm down... and I feel like screaming: "That's not how! That's not how he likes to be calmed down...! Give him his blankie! Put on some music!"... And I feel like breaking the door down and running in to grab him, to let him know that it's all ok and that mommy is still here and will always be here.

But I don't.
I just stand there, the tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks, cringing with every scream of his, shaking as he cries, and telling myself:
"It's normal. It's ok. It will pass. It's only for one hour today".

And then I start berating myself:
I didn't prepare him well enough.
I didn't say goodbye when I left them room - I just disappeared.
I didn't explain to him that I'm coming back soon.
I didn't tell the nannies what he likes.
I didn't give him enough breakfast before we left today.
I didn't show him where they put his bottle of water.

I should go in. Now.

And just as I am mustering my courage to be that mom I always hated that over-worries and nags the teacher, just as I made the final decision to ring the doorbell and go back in, I hear... silence.
I stretch on tiptoes as high as I can and peer in and I see him... not crying. Holding his blankie and playing with a toy on the floor.

And I take in a deep, shaky breath, and let it slowly out, and wipe the tears from my face (although they are still streaming) and I slowly, insecurely walk towards the gate , leaving my Daniel alone, in kindergarten, for the very first time.